I posted on here before about the words I’ve been gathering during this Lenten season. Well, it turns out that I’m adding “faith” to the list. Lent wasn’t an easy time for me. I dealt with a lot of loneliness, feeling invisible, and the general twenty-something issue of “What the hell am I going to do with my life?” Because on the surface, I don’t have a lot going for me. I can’t drive, I’m still living at home, I don’t work full time, and I’m socially awkward with a neurological disorder that makes said social awkardness even worse, not to mention I occasionally have anxiety, insomnia, I snack way too much, and I get rejected. A lot. From a lot of different people.
But as Fraulein Maria from The Sound of Music says: “When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.”
Back in my prosperity gospel phase, I keep hearing about how the best was yet to come. And there were times in my life when wonderful things came in just when I thought things were at their worst. Last year, my purse got stolen, but on that same day, I got the job offer to write for Patheos. This Lent, I got my heart broken, but around the same time, I got my first paycheck from writing on this blog. Over the weekend, I was listening to the 10th Anniversary Concert edition of Les Miserables because of a meme on Instagram that showed pictures of the Easter Triduum with the words “Even the darkest night will end and the Son will rise.” (Replacing the word “sun” from the original version and replacing it with son.)
The most important thing I learned from the last forty days is that God has some bigger, better plan for me.
There’s just one problem: I want to know what that is. I mean, I want to know what’s better than having the guy I want and a full-time job. It’s hard to see the blessings when it seems like everyone’s so far ahead of me. But that’s the point of having faith.
Hebrews 11: 1 “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.”
As Easter begins, I am going to learn how to increase my faith in God. And yes, it’s not easy. But I base my faith on what I’ve seen God do with my life before. He brought me out of my constant anxiety attacks, led me to people who I love and cherish with all my heart, and graced me with the gift of writing. And while I haven’t written the next Great American Novel yet, I’ve written a lot of poetry and I’m writing this blog. And for now, that’s my blessing: that the best is yet to come, even though I don’t know what exactly that is yet. And while I’m waiting for the best, there’s a song that comes to mind that reminds me to count my blessings: